Some original Fantasy Fiction (feedback welcome)

[nemedeus]

nice read! I'm especially impressed by your language skills.

Thank you.

My first impression: the atmosphere and language of the first two samples remind me heavily of Patrick Rothfuss's "The Name of the Wind". Which is good in general, because Rothfuss won several awards with that book.

Really? :0
I'm honoured, Name of the Wind is one of my all-time-favorites, despite the criticisms.
Personally, I think the story as a whole works, and i think Rothfuss manages nicely to make Kvothe a believable character, in the "personality" sense, albeit an extraordinarily gifted one. I'd say that it's one of the few works i've seen where this kind of absurdly gifted person was handled well.

Though i was not consciously trying to write like Rothfuss, it's likely that his influenc is are all over the place: the names i give to things, the world (it's really growing out radially from Ramlin's garden at the moment, but i'm seeing a few elements and themes pop up, some my own, older ideas, some other that may be not quite convential, as fantasy goes, unless you've read Rothfuss), and the general, hmm, I'd like to call it "woodgrain" feeling.

I think i like that, "Woodgrain Fantasy". What the denizens of the woods do in mild summer nights, in the context of a world inspired by pre-industrial 19th century. Mind you, sub-genres are a rather silly thing, but it's fun to think up monickers for your own story's "sub-genre".

1. This style of fantasy isn't my piece of cake.
The way magic is "casual" on the one hand but seems to have little effect on the way technologies developed on the other hand [...]

I have to say i disagree with you on Name of the Wind about this. There are quite a few instances in the series so far where "magic items" fullfill mundane tasks (a magical cooling box/refrigerator comes to mind), including

Sorry, I wasn't intending to rant about another story in this thread, but when you mentioned that "old" ramlin is in his forties and "retired" I got reminded of that particular book. So if you want to write a successful story, go on and keep it as it is, because many people seem to like Rothfuss's style.

Is this really a part of his style or does it just happen to be part of this particular story? Rothfuss is not that old, so maybe he was thinking the same thing as me ("i don't think i can convincingly write about an old guy"). Though I will concede that it would make more sense if Kvothe was in at least his fourties, in the frame story.

I personally prefer old people being old and flawed (and not so forcibly "cool") [...]

You'll have to point me out whenever Ramlin is being too "cool", i think.

magic either being an integral part of everything if it is widely accepted or (and I prefer this much more) be an outlawed field of study with high risk of losing your soul or ending on a pyre...

I guess i could drop some exposition right here.

None of the Magic seen so far are "Spells". These things are Charms, and they are easy and quick and they don't linger. A Spell is supposed to be something much bigger: You can lay a spell on a place (to make it a home, a safe place, etc), or, if you put a spell on a person, it could be a Curse; so these stick around.
The difference is in what i'm later going to present as "Lesser Works", that's charms and hexes and anything else that simply entails a singular, one-time, physical effect; and "Greater Works", that's Spells and Curses and anything else that potentially changes an aspect of reality itself.

Note that Lesser Works, as they create physical effects, are actually irreversible (because they already happened). This is in contrast to Greater Works, for a Spell/Curse will stay with you (but those can be broken).

This Magic comes from the mind, and while one can learn another wizard's charms and hexes, inventing your own is a long process: these things grow in your mind, borne of a lowly desire (charms and hexes), or a genuine wish (spells).
The effects of Sorcery on one's mind, as shown with Tam's experience, may thus be interpreted as what happens when you try to grow a charm or spell too quickly.

So as you can see, I'm taking loans from the Potterverse of all things: this world's Magic doesn't have many limitations, but the ones that it has, and are of heavy weight, are a mage's time and will.


Now does this inhibit technology? A bit, probably. I guess Ramlin might just as well drink his rum on tea.

And I dislike people "retiring" in fantasy stories, as retirement is a really modern concept after all. People generally did what they did until they died (which wasn't necessarily at young age, as the "average" data is telling us, which is highly biased by high death-rates among infants).

it was really just the sentence ("both tired and retired") that i liked, maybe . Maybe Ramlin now does freelancing work, mostly? I guess it makes sense more if the man is much older than what i've mentioned above, though. We'll see.

Also, Wizards are jerks. ;p

[nemedeus]

To give a quick update:

I have the next scene in mind, but i don't yet know how to write it. It's gonna take a while, as i'm at it i'll try to do write another scene, or write something for the eventual continuation - i'm thinking that the current is as a short story more or less the prologue of a pulpy, sword & sorcery style serial, possibly (I'm not being ambitious here about the kind of stories i'd want to tell... action/adventure-thriller fantasy pulp surely isn't noble, but then, neither am i).

[higgins]

a) you establish Ramlin as old

Oi! So now it's okay to tell? With due respect - i'm now kinda wondering, if i'd done that originally, would you make the other point?

I could imagine someone going like "here he says he's in retirement, that's plenty" - assuming that "character mentions a fact about himself" (in a way that feels natural and in context, which i assume i have achieved in that part) is still better than "you'll have to take the the narrator's word for it".

I can see why you would call this a more legitimate tell, if it's a tell at all - an 'old man' is strikingly different from "a man", and the difference is basic enough. That, and "old man" isn't a "Name, Title"
like "Ramlin, the Wizard".

I'm being overly explicit for this question's sake: am I understanding correctly? (In learning to spot one's own Tells, false positives, too, can be a problem - know what i mean?)

Sorry, forgot to reply to this.

For me, telling someone's attitude is a far greater crime than telling a basic characteristic of their being. Of course you could unpack that "old", or even decide that for this character, you'd never use the word "old", but always get the point across somehow differently. Which is often how good (serious) literature is done. From the tone though, it feels like a light-hearted tale, probably aimed for YA, maybe even children -- as such, I see the word "old" as okay. You probably don't want to unpack basic adjectives such as "old" to how "Ramlin's joints are feeling better now that the mellow sunlight drove off the dew" in the very first sentence, depending on your target audience.

[nemedeus]

I wrote an quick-and-dirty, out-of-context fight scene, i'm just gonna put it here:

It was over quickly, as fights usually are.

The highwayman raised his axe high, and with a lunge swung down on the old woman, who already had her hand on the heft of her sword. In one motion, she made a step to the right and drew arms, the axe gliding down the blade’s flat. Overextended and off balance, the highwayman couldn’t block the quick follow-up cut she threw, and the blade bit into his shoulder. He cried out and threw a wide cut, but the woman had circled him already. With the bandit in chokehold, she struck down hard on his cap with the pommel.

The bandit didn’t lose consciousness, not immediately. But he didn’t struggle for long, and that was it.

(haven't forgotten about the Troll Witch, but not worked on it since last time -- other things have come up. Like work. And depression. Haha.)

Btw yes this was inspired by the Chapter 5 feedback thread.